Bitterness & Coffee

Nicole 2

2012-02-01T23:03:00.002+08:00

When someone tells you that you deserve a better person it means one thing, you are about to be ignored...

I don´t know the history on how this system came about but i guess in their effort to dampen a hard fall for a person they use a consolation line that seemed to work to some feeble minded jerks. This practice went on until it became the generic line for dropping a person, to the bin or to what limbo of hell, who knows.

yes, you can still call but don't expect it to be answered...time to sweep, pieces are on the floor.

Nicole

2012-01-24T23:34:00.002+08:00

Hard to figure out things without mirrors and/or other things to compare them with. Like warning lights on a fuel gauge
Which reminds me, do you think regrets can be ignored? But i guess they cease to be after they are ignored.
Am done with my coffee...

(as sent )

Bajo la luz azul

2011-10-27T02:59:00.003+08:00

I am as stagnant as water trapped inside a tree cavity.
Coping has led me to a grayish state of sight, no rain no sunshine.
Just a wound that lost its sensitivity from the blade of liquid lime,
when will I get to be true to myself...

i don't know

2010-11-13T09:44:00.002+08:00

the mess

2010-03-15T23:44:00.002+08:00

tired and almost falling, i begin to doubt my hope.
where is that beacon i have been hoping to see?
could it be that i am living a bright life with just a light in mind and not in sight.
i refuse to see myself as a utility yet it is the nearest that i can be.
if i am to journey on a stony dirt road all along, i should not have opted for legs.
like that from a song 'how many times can i break til i shatter...'

Sunday

2010-01-31T11:58:00.002+08:00

A prayer left by the pew of a school church:
'I wanted this life to end already, rather than let myself sin any further. I could not understand and figure out your will and plans for me, much more accept what is happening. oh Lord save me...'

HOPE

2010-01-30T22:51:00.003+08:00

When you think something will change in what is not already, when you think a miracle is possible in such cases, when you refuse to admit that what was said will never change, that is hope.
How is that different from in denial.
If you have something to live for, what is keeping you from dying once it is gone?
I figured out you can still live, only without a heart.

Success story

2010-01-28T02:17:00.002+08:00

Someday I won't need to solicit deep feelings of emotion from someone, that day when my presence is as natural as the sky with variable characters as it is with the weather. Someday the most anticipated season will be the exposition of vows, eternal as it can.
That will be my success story.

Life's Surprises are so Predictable

2009-08-31T22:48:00.002+08:00

I don't know why i have to place this defective battery in between me and my keyboard...
...never an inspiration, but it does share a little bit of its charge.

I try to walk along with the traffic, unmindful of my pace i let the other vehicles pass me by. for almost a year now i feel like i am plateauing in life. i can't seem to push myself up anymore, just cruising. i am not worried, and that worries me.

...after a few minutes

2009-07-28T22:50:00.002+08:00

God answered

ward sippings

2009-07-28T22:10:00.001+08:00

ironic, there ain't no coffee to sip.
Its my first night here since i arrived early this morning. I wonder why after that 8-hour trip dozing along the way am still feeling out of sleep.
Right now am in a clinic ward watching over my dad with a terrible infection to his leg, i don't think i will be sleeping well. Where's that coffee when i badly need one!
Talk about undeserved suffering, there's nothing we can do about it. That 8-hour trip was all about acknowledging God and His supremacy, though not in a charismatic way. Everything that happens in this world are part of the process of His will being executed. We do have control over choosing from our options but the outcome has always a degree of risk, and uncertainty. Even a fraction of a degree can totally turn things oqposite to what we hope for.

Page One

2009-07-27T20:51:00.002+08:00

right now i am reminded of my page one, that moment that gave me the inspiration to write things about my subliminal life.

it just rained and the leaves from the trees stick to me like some sand grain onto a magnet. i don't feel any fairness right now. no sun, gloomy afternoon, wet pavement, and dirty soles.

i thought that when you are at the bottom of things it will be all uphill from there, i was wrong.
for there is hell, much lower than anyone can imagine. i am not there yet but what i see and feel right now is nothing close to a speckle of heaven. ironically i never knew heaven, i just wished for it several times, several times i was turned down. God save my soul for i scavenge for whatever that can i think of resembling the one thing i wish for, maybe i found it, several times, but then again i was scavenging on the lot that is forsaken.

if i feel small now it is not because all the eyes are looking down on me, but because not one eye glances at me for i am too small to be noticed, too small, that after the rain has wet the pave i just stick to your soles like some blade of grass.

2009-07-16T13:24:00.003+08:00

lately i have noticed that i am sluggish...
...in a way, i resist that urge to work...
...urgent proposals...i can´t seem to rush myself, or rush blood to my head...
...am i tired? am i frustrated? can't i see any promising light to my on-going endeavor?
...nice picture by the way...
...the tomb...

2009-07-09T23:19:00.002+08:00

someday...

a glance by the side

2009-06-27T01:22:00.002+08:00

when you pray, you don't ask, you just say, answers to prayers are random and most probably coincidental.
looking for happiness is like looking for a job, the best ones are hard to get, the easier less gracious ones are readily available. when you are jobless you are not happy.
a human being is as limited as the air and the trees and the dew.
there is nothing to believe in if we are doubted upon.
our life means nothing, just that.

dreams

2009-06-23T22:28:00.002+08:00

looking far away, i don't know whether to understand or defy whatever it is that is controlling my senses right now.
i feel i am going to spend this lifetime living each day with wishes and hopes, or dreams for short.
dreams, just dreams.
my life's journey is nothing short of what not, never unique, never the best.
why can't i be privileged enough to beg the dream i am so wanting

in search of what's not mine

2009-06-19T22:13:00.002+08:00

a day in work, an endless cascade of interests and curiosity, care and affection.

my day is nothing but a day, generic answers or questions, all the same.

i stand behind eclipsing the sun in front of me, yet i am not the sun.

the shadow always casts on me, not the glance.

2009-06-17T23:38:00.002+08:00

why do i always keep faith on something na di naman mangyayari.

why do i believe on praying even if they were never answered positively

why do i believe in retribution when i don not feel any justice

why can't life be fair when everybody is talking about it

why is damnation taking too long to come by for those who grieve

why does He care when there is undeserved suffering

i beg for answers that won't come, i wish for dreams that won't become

whats the point of living when you are deprived of something to live by

2009-06-11T23:01:00.004+08:00

aside from that unfortunate puffer fish that i found a long time ago by the beach i also found these in my previous out of town trip, one is from the beach and the other on the road...
...you won't believe i found that other one on the beach...

2009-06-11T00:22:00.000+08:00

faint

it's starting to rain

2009-06-07T20:25:00.006+08:00

i really don´t know whether to beg for my happiness or ask for contentment. the person that i am knows there isn't much that can be done with what we are fated to, yet i refuse to be fatalistic about it.

every week i find myself down on my knees begging for some intervention that i myself am not hopeful of. perhaps i can grasp a little gist of what He was trying to say when He let them nail him on that wood, there is nothing wrong in giving one's life to someone who doesn't appreciate it. It is up to us to deal with the nails being driven through. unfortunately, too many times being nailed will not make us numb to it.

next to impossible is to have her read this with just the least possible emotion involved.

best bet, nothing of any sort.

headaches not from the head

2008-05-15T08:16:00.004+08:00

if we were to stand on the highest point of the world, we may see the world below us, but we could not see the people.
Sometimes when we peak at some moments in our lives we feel the height only to find out its as cold as it is high. I remember working hard for something i have always wished for, at some point i felt i peaked. The high was so great it broke me to get down, but get down i did, falling is how i did it. truly when you are below the sight of the top is as breathtaking as it is from above...

...but can you feel the warmth from up there?

a race to confession or due to desperation

2008-05-13T23:08:00.003+08:00

there's a difference between brisk walking and a long wait at the stairwell.
a long wait at the stairwell is a race to confession subtly avoiding the risk of hysteria.
a brisk walk is a camouflaged confession, an attempt an ambush, but without the race. unfortunately this has all the room for being hysterical.

...and so goes the story, the most traumatic there was, a brisk walk, my coup de grâce.

cornstarch

2008-05-12T21:13:00.003+08:00

i am tired...

A while back when i was on my way home i was thinking, would it be possible for me to keep on working til retiring age...but then again, i am not working for someone...and i don't have a retirement plan...bleak future, hehehe

hmm

2008-05-08T23:15:00.003+08:00

i could not figure out how i felt after finding this blog account that was long lost and forgotten.
speechless, hehehe

trix

2007-02-24T01:13:00.000+08:00

i just found out that there is such a thing as 'gay day'. its that day when its hot and the masculine side of a male is vaporizing faster than usual.

Sylvannas

2007-02-10T16:57:00.000+08:00

Ingredients:

8 eggwhites
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 cup crushed cashew nuts
ladyfingers
1 pound butter
cream of tartar

Directions:

Beat eggwhites until stiff. Add sugar a little at a time until smooth. Add 1 tsp of cream of tartar. Add cashew nuts.

Press on cookie sheet using a pastry bag about 1 inch wide by 2 inches long. Bake at 375 degrees until light brown.

Cool. Roll in softened butter and crushed lady fingers.

a few bottles of lost past

2007-01-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

Three bottles each, that's the original plan of chow and me. We needed to catch up somehow with our fast paced lives (as of publishing of this journal it's still under debate whether i qualify for that 'fast paced' term). Along came doc, now we are off the count of two per person, reinforcements needed.
My brother joined us since i asked him to, somehow maybe i can have a sane drinking session with him not freaking out after, and am glad it went well.
Back to my childhood buddies...so a lot has happened already since chow's wedding, it has been a week or so but a lot of the past didn't happen for just that whole week. Though there were only the three of us and my bro, it was a productive and sensible session. Like i said, those few bottles we shared were worth the past remembered, where regrets were optional and hates totally senseless.
All in all we had four bottles each except for doc who had three, by the way I admit i am alone.

watermelon

2007-01-18T00:14:00.000+08:00

giving your best doesn't guarantee you the best results, sacrificing doesn't guarantee you full return of investments, and watering your plant doesn't guarantee it to live.

so what would it be? all or nothing?

nothing matters....

sitting down...

2007-01-15T23:26:00.000+08:00

back when i was a kid i enjoyed private schools and city malls, things that my parents worked hard for, specially the school. Other than that there were no expensive toys nor lavish way of life. I got the private school and the city living that's all, all i dreamed of was to grow up and change this way of life, i wanted a better one.
years passed and the family had a new generation of members. by now i have learned the value of what i had, only had, when i was a kid. but there is one thing, what i have dreamed of. i never was that person able to change our way of life. right in front of me i see kids moving from a private school to a public one due to the price of the former.
By now i come to realize fully what i have been. I hate myself for not being able to realize the value of what i had when i was a kid. i hate myself for not being able to follow that dream i had when i was a kid. i hate myself for not being assertive when i was younger. i hate myself because i feel helpless in making things better around me.
what am i.

re: leyt's comment on 'which side of the fence'

2007-01-14T22:17:00.000+08:00

when she said she wished she had that kind of enthusiasm to live i also say: i wished i didn't lose my enthusiasm to live.

which side of the fence

2007-01-13T22:49:00.000+08:00

as i sit in the living room sofa watching tv, it came to how appalling the lives of those who live in the streets, dining on whatever they can scavenge for the day. Sometimes I hate myself for this. Why cant i be blessed with riches so i may help them....
...a voice is heard from above.....'you are not the type'

there goes enthusiasm for living

this is one lucky lady

2007-01-11T21:46:00.000+08:00

this is nugget......
....if only i can sleep like she does

the tree: day #'who knows what'

2007-01-11T21:07:00.000+08:00

ok so 17 days after Christmas this is the most recent update on our Christmas tree......
....well it has been sacked and wont be seeing light after 11 months, har har!

I Got One...

2006-12-17T18:18:00.000+08:00

...I got the haircut!!!

Seemingly Hopeful Gifts

2006-12-11T21:53:00.000+08:00

My Christmas wish list:

Having an idea on what human individuality is
Sense of direction even when there is no endeavor involved
Knowledge, or at least even for just a little bit of it, on what the ultimate plan is (i didn't know living was this hard without the blueprints)
A little less of my pride
Creativity
Peace (of mind)
Lots of money to flash around
Spanish style sardines good for 8-10 meals
Mind reading abilities for retribution purposes
Maybe a haircut
A month's supply of canned pudding

i dont get it

2006-12-10T18:17:00.000+08:00

some 60 years ago or so more than a hundred thousand men wore this over their head. Now, how come its so expensive to acquire a genuine one, an old one!!!!!

the tree day 4

2006-12-10T14:54:00.000+08:00

well, after an outstanding use of force greater than the allied fleet of WW2 we have finally decorated the tree.

i just hope it looks pleasant enough for our visitors whose purpose of visiting us is not our tree. However i will still post the succeeding events that this tree will see in its life until it goes back in the box.

...hop hoppy holidays!

the tree day 1

2006-12-07T21:30:00.000+08:00

So my brother finally was successful in forcing me to put up our tree...
...it was a slow process but finally the tree stood upright it took me 30 seconds (excluding the deboxing), and like the natural trees in the forest, its color is also green.

This is day one, some changes will be noticed as the days go by depending on how enthusiastic i will be in fixing the tree. Hopefully by Christmas it will have its decors.

<<<<<----that's it....

while i sleep

2006-12-07T08:43:00.000+08:00

yup sometimes we drool while sleeping, ain't that frustrating when we wake up? but then again, when we sleep that long it ain't a problem anymore, it would all be dried up by the time we wake up, forming crusts around our lips.

so what is the sense of all these? i dunno, i can hardly find sense in life, how much more for bedtime drools.

poisons

2006-12-04T19:07:00.000+08:00

there is this cat that keeps on eating my poor african lovebird. so i decided to poison it with rat poison......

.....used fish heads as bait, put rat poison on it and placed over the roof where the cat usually passes by...

...darn it, the fish heads are gone, the cat is still around!!!!!!!

woodlands

2006-12-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

think of laura.....

...

2006-12-04T01:59:00.000+08:00

It's hard to be sad when everybody's been sad. It's not that you can't frown but you can't claim the intensity of the pain when everybody has felt it too. Blend in, that's what's left to do, pray for the rains to come and you rain your own with it, no one will notice.

Sacrifices are good, specially those you are so willing to do for the most selfless reasons. But there are only enough heroes for a few wishers.

Its a long walk again, who knows...

well...

2006-12-04T01:10:00.000+08:00

i need a recipe for the shawarma marinade

what else....

2006-12-04T00:54:00.000+08:00

I sometimes hate myself when i make a mistake...

...most of the time mistakes are not forgiven, so if ever you lose something or someone because of a mistake, chances are they are gone for good.

My remark

2006-12-04T00:04:00.000+08:00

There can never be enough happiness for the growing population of this world.