closing out the light (21 june 2009)

'...undeserved suffering, even if my intention is good and done what is right...' excerpts from a prayer.

july 28 2009

a few minutes ago God answered.

We are all bothered at night
by the whispers of our mistakes
We envy people who are able to sleep
without lurking snakes
and pillows that don't contain
words like "you don't have what it takes"

But when these words come crashing
and raging towards you
Don't let their amplified waves
pierce through you
Keep in mind that you're the one
who has the profound strength to get through
Not them, but you


----I don't know who said this nor who wrote this on the notepad on my pc...oh well, worth keeping...

Memo1

here is something to remember you with pa.....
...'tis been four years now, your passing is still felt, we've let go already since, but you are just too great to not miss :-) , see ya pa!

Dear Pa,

how are you? how is it there at the other side? how does it feel to be not worrying or not feeling pain in the heart? i have always prayed that you and ma be spared from suffering and pain when you were still here. i never wondered then whether my prayers were heard. i even prayed that i be spared from pains of the heart, but then i wondered whether my prayers were even heard. i guess not, until now they aren't.

 Ma is fine, manong is not. i just can't understand why he can't get to his wits and fix himself. feeling sorry for ones self is an affliction to the weak, why is he weak? i guess that's the same question you have been asking too before.

 Pa, maybe you will never show yourself to me anymore, but i still remember you everyday as i say my prayers. yes, i still pray even if it is not heard. i know that, because my heart is still in pain.

 Pa, thank you very much.

 Lovingly,
Budz

Bajo la Luz de una luna azul

I am as stagnant as water trapped inside a tree cavity.
Coping has led me to a grayish state of sight, no rain no sunshine.
Just a wound that lost its sensitivity from the blade of liquid lime,
when will I get to be true to myself...

i don't know

the mess

tired and almost falling, i begin to doubt my hope.
where is that beacon i have been hoping to see?
could it be that i am living a bright life with just a light in mind and not in sight.
i refuse to see myself as a utility yet it is the nearest that i can be.
if i am to journey on a stony dirt road all along, i should not have opted for legs.
like that from a song 'how many times can i break til i shatter...'

Sunday

A prayer left by the pew of a school church:
'I wanted this life to end already, rather than let myself sin any further. I could not understand and figure out your will and plans for me, much more accept what is happening. oh Lord save me...'

HOPE

When you think something will change in what is not already, when you think a miracle is possible in such cases, when you refuse to admit that what was said will never change, that is hope.
How is that different from in denial.
If you have something to live for, what is keeping you from dying once it is gone?
I figured out you can still live, only without a heart.

Success story

Someday I won't need to solicit deep feelings of emotion from someone, that day when my presence is as natural as the sky with variable characters as it is with the weather. Someday the most anticipated season will be the exposition of vows, eternal as it can.
That will be my success story.

Life's Surprises are so Predictable

I don't know why i have to place this defective battery in between me and my keyboard...
...never an inspiration, but it does share a little bit of its charge.

I try to walk along with the traffic, unmindful of my pace i let the other vehicles pass me by. for almost a year now i feel like i am plateauing in life. i can't seem to push myself up anymore, just cruising. i am not worried, and that worries me.

...after a few minutes

God answered

ward sippings

ironic, there ain't no coffee to sip.
Its my first night here since i arrived early this morning. I wonder why after that 8-hour trip dozing along the way am still feeling out of sleep.
Right now am in a clinic ward watching over my dad with a terrible infection to his leg, i don't think i will be sleeping well. Where's that coffee when i badly need one!
Talk about undeserved suffering, there's nothing we can do about it. That 8-hour trip was all about acknowledging God and His supremacy, though not in a charismatic way. Everything that happens in this world are part of the process of His will being executed. We do have control over choosing from our options but the outcome has always a degree of risk, and uncertainty. Even a fraction of a degree can totally turn things oqposite to what we hope for.

Page One

right now i am reminded of my page one, that moment that gave me the inspiration to write things about my subliminal life.

it just rained and the leaves from the trees stick to me like some sand grain onto a magnet. i don't feel any fairness right now. no sun, gloomy afternoon, wet pavement, and dirty soles.

i thought that when you are at the bottom of things it will be all uphill from there, i was wrong.
for there is hell, much lower than anyone can imagine. i am not there yet but what i see and feel right now is nothing close to a speckle of heaven. ironically i never knew heaven, i just wished for it several times, several times i was turned down. God save my soul for i scavenge for whatever that can i think of resembling the one thing i wish for, maybe i found it, several times, but then again i was scavenging on the lot that is forsaken.

if i feel small now it is not because all the eyes are looking down on me, but because not one eye glances at me for i am too small to be noticed, too small, that after the rain has wet the pave i just stick to your soles like some blade of grass.

lately i have noticed that i am sluggish...
...in a way, i resist that urge to work...
...urgent proposals...i can´t seem to rush myself, or rush blood to my head...
...am i tired? am i frustrated? can't i see any promising light to my on-going endeavor?
...nice picture by the way...
...the tomb...

someday...

a glance by the side

when you pray, you don't ask, you just say, answers to prayers are random and most probably coincidental.
looking for happiness is like looking for a job, the best ones are hard to get, the easier less gracious ones are readily available. when you are jobless you are not happy.
a human being is as limited as the air and the trees and the dew.
there is nothing to believe in if we are doubted upon.
our life means nothing, just that.

dreams

looking far away, i don't know whether to understand or defy whatever it is that is controlling my senses right now.
i feel i am going to spend this lifetime living each day with wishes and hopes, or dreams for short.
dreams, just dreams.
my life's journey is nothing short of what not, never unique, never the best.
why can't i be privileged enough to beg the dream i am so wanting

in search of what's not mine

a day in work, an endless cascade of interests and curiosity, care and affection.

my day is nothing but a day, generic answers or questions, all the same.

i stand behind eclipsing the sun in front of me, yet i am not the sun.

the shadow always casts on me, not the glance.