Life's Surprises are so Predictable

I don't know why i have to place this defective battery in between me and my keyboard...
...never an inspiration, but it does share a little bit of its charge.

I try to walk along with the traffic, unmindful of my pace i let the other vehicles pass me by. for almost a year now i feel like i am plateauing in life. i can't seem to push myself up anymore, just cruising. i am not worried, and that worries me.

...after a few minutes

God answered

ward sippings

ironic, there ain't no coffee to sip.
Its my first night here since i arrived early this morning. I wonder why after that 8-hour trip dozing along the way am still feeling out of sleep.
Right now am in a clinic ward watching over my dad with a terrible infection to his leg, i don't think i will be sleeping well. Where's that coffee when i badly need one!
Talk about undeserved suffering, there's nothing we can do about it. That 8-hour trip was all about acknowledging God and His supremacy, though not in a charismatic way. Everything that happens in this world are part of the process of His will being executed. We do have control over choosing from our options but the outcome has always a degree of risk, and uncertainty. Even a fraction of a degree can totally turn things oqposite to what we hope for.

Page One

right now i am reminded of my page one, that moment that gave me the inspiration to write things about my subliminal life.

it just rained and the leaves from the trees stick to me like some sand grain onto a magnet. i don't feel any fairness right now. no sun, gloomy afternoon, wet pavement, and dirty soles.

i thought that when you are at the bottom of things it will be all uphill from there, i was wrong.
for there is hell, much lower than anyone can imagine. i am not there yet but what i see and feel right now is nothing close to a speckle of heaven. ironically i never knew heaven, i just wished for it several times, several times i was turned down. God save my soul for i scavenge for whatever that can i think of resembling the one thing i wish for, maybe i found it, several times, but then again i was scavenging on the lot that is forsaken.

if i feel small now it is not because all the eyes are looking down on me, but because not one eye glances at me for i am too small to be noticed, too small, that after the rain has wet the pave i just stick to your soles like some blade of grass.

lately i have noticed that i am sluggish...
...in a way, i resist that urge to work...
...urgent proposals...i can´t seem to rush myself, or rush blood to my head...
...am i tired? am i frustrated? can't i see any promising light to my on-going endeavor?
...nice picture by the way...
...the tomb...

someday...

a glance by the side

when you pray, you don't ask, you just say, answers to prayers are random and most probably coincidental.
looking for happiness is like looking for a job, the best ones are hard to get, the easier less gracious ones are readily available. when you are jobless you are not happy.
a human being is as limited as the air and the trees and the dew.
there is nothing to believe in if we are doubted upon.
our life means nothing, just that.

dreams

looking far away, i don't know whether to understand or defy whatever it is that is controlling my senses right now.
i feel i am going to spend this lifetime living each day with wishes and hopes, or dreams for short.
dreams, just dreams.
my life's journey is nothing short of what not, never unique, never the best.
why can't i be privileged enough to beg the dream i am so wanting

in search of what's not mine

a day in work, an endless cascade of interests and curiosity, care and affection.

my day is nothing but a day, generic answers or questions, all the same.

i stand behind eclipsing the sun in front of me, yet i am not the sun.

the shadow always casts on me, not the glance.

why do i always keep faith on something na di naman mangyayari.

why do i believe on praying even if they were never answered positively

why do i believe in retribution when i do not feel any justice

why can't life be fair when everybody is talking about it

why is damnation taking too long to come by for those who grieve

why does He care when there is undeserved suffering

i beg for answers that won't come, i wish for dreams that won't become

whats the point of living when you are deprived of something to live by

aside from that unfortunate puffer fish that i found a long time ago by the beach i also found these in my previous out of town trip, one is from the beach and the other on the road...
...you won't believe i found that other one on the beach...

faint

it's starting to rain

i really don´t know whether to beg for my happiness or ask for contentment. the person that i am knows there isn't much that can be done with what we are fated to, yet i refuse to be fatalistic about it.

every week i find myself down on my knees begging for some intervention that i myself am not hopeful of. perhaps i can grasp a little gist of what He was trying to say when He let them nail him on that wood, there is nothing wrong in giving one's life to someone who doesn't appreciate it. It is up to us to deal with the nails being driven through. unfortunately, too many times being nailed will not make us numb to it.

next to impossible is to have her read this with just the least possible emotion involved.

best bet, nothing of any sort.